Some of the world's great literature has come from the drooling mouths of the mad. Their spasmodic utterings have revealed many great truths and insights. Early religions knew this and worshipped the holy hermits and their seeming incoherence. As they staggered about villages and hamlets, they were followed by avid and yearning scribes who pressed the eldrich babblings into the moist clay of waiting tablets. This has continued through the ages as misfits like the Marquis de Sade had words created for their insights as well as various lines of designer clothes.
Despite the millenniums of freely spewed truth, it still is a precious and rare opportunity for a scribe to have the joyous pleasure of waddling after such wisdom. However, at this moment, right here in Northern Indiana, where parades of homes roam and furnaces blow, such a moment has come again.
Known by the trite "Ken the Kook" among the local Philistines because of his habit of sharing his callipygian croakings with the local market's produce, Kensey Lee Alsman (1950- ) has revealed a hitherto hidden aspect of the male personality. This has been duly recorded by his faithful scribe who hops after him up and down the aisles recording Alsman's pithy drippings on the contemporary moist tablet -- a laptop taped to his left thigh. To date, it is not known if the title of Alsman's magnum opus, "Fetching Bums," is the result of a scribal error due to the raised, bouncing knee or if it is a yet unpeeled pearl dropped from Alsman's slack mouth. The scholarly debate continues over "Bums" versus "Buns": does "Bums" refer to the archaic slang for backsides or is it a reference to the participants in Alsman's survey or is it just a typographical error? These compelling questions will, of course, never be resolved, despite the wild speculations of scholars, as long as Alsman remains in his current state: totally fixated on his wife's properties.
Alsman's unveiling of his deep male secret to the general population has drawn significant attention and recognition, especially from the hitherto unsuspecting female population. At the same time, it has attracted the ire of a number of august male fellowships, such as the Brothers of Budweiser (and their deadly frogs), the Sons of the Stoogie, and, most dangerously, the Brotherhood of the Belly, who see Alsman's fact-finding survey as an unforgivable betrayal. Currently, Alsman remains in hiding continuing to chronicle his wife's sites. The interest of the female population has obvious roots in its long suffering from the charge of penis envy. This longing -- obvious since Eve pulled on a branch to gain the apple -- has been a favorite male weapon in his continually uphill climb to gain some supremacy. Due to Alsman's ravings, the secret is now out, and women are now able to counter the penis with the ass. Yes, it's true. His clever survey has uncloaked Male Ass Envy (probably derived from where Adam wanted to put the partially eaten apple when he realized its consequences). Clearly, the participants in the Kensey Report realized too late their foolishness, and they tried to cover their ass selection with nipples. It was too late; Alsman had already consumed it all in one mouthful and had begun to churn it in the unfathomed and twisting passages of his dark brain. Thus, women will forever benefit from even greater hindsight than before.
The one small benefit that the branded Alsman, who may never be able to emerge from hiding among his wife's sites, is that he did produce the finest, cleverest research paper that his bedraggled college professor has ever seen in his twenty-five years of trying to teach.
The Dragon Scribe
Westville, Indiana
May 6, 1996
Read Fetching Bums and judge for yourself.
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