Since, at least, the beginning of history, probably since the advent of human sentience
and right up to the 1990's, humanity has attempted to logically explain the differences in
temperament between the males and females of the human race. The recent rediscovery by
American universities of the great, lost medical theories of the Ancient Greeks has surprisingly
and greatly advanced the study of sex and temperament from the nebulous art and pseudo-
science of psychology into the mainstream of hard science. As the ancient Greek philosophers
divided the elements into earth, fire, air, and water, so Hippocrates divided the four main
temperamental influences of the human body into the fluids (humours): choler, sangui, melanchol,
and phlegm (Pliny 201). Each of these substances has a major effect on different facets of human
temperament and on the equilibrium of a person's mental and physical health. That this is so is
not nearly as unusual a discovery as the different effects these vital fluids have on people based
on sex. Three of the four humours have sex-specific effects of a type that scientists had expected
to find. These three, generally, conform to common sense expectations. But, experiments with
the fourth of these primordial compounds demonstrated differences that were shocking in their
range and consistency of effects on women, and goes a long way toward explaining the foibles
of the gentler sex (Autricia 41).
". . . most of its manifestations are negative at even slightly elevated levels . . ."
The most volatile of the humours is yellow bile, or choler, which manifests itself in the human
temperament as irritability or anger. The quantity of this substance in the system generally
fluctuates throughout a normal day, and in most people is at its highest level in the early
morning. Excessive amounts of this fluid and its resulting mental disorders are categorized as
biliousness (Pliny 79). Women maintain relatively high choler levels throughout menstruation,
and this also accounts for some cramping as choler has proven to be a stimulant to muscle
contraction when maintained at abnormally high levels for extended periods (Braun 88). A
product of the liver and gall bladder, it is required in the system as an immuno-defense
mechanism, though most of its manifestations are negative at even slightly elevated levels; a
trait that is also true for black bile.
" . . . is normally elevated in women during pregnancy . . ."
Black bile, or melanchol, is almost universally negative in its effects on the human mind
and body. Even at low levels, it causes infections and/or depression (melancholia). Black bile is
produced, mainly, in the appendix and spleen, and distributed throughout the limbic system.
(This helps explain the long known, but little understood, beneficial effects that a combination
appendectomy-splenectomy has on depression). This ebony compound is normally elevated in
women during pregnancy and in men when drinking alcohol and is also generated by stress.
Conversely, blood, sangui, and its relative condition, is the most beneficial of the fluids.
". . . leads to . . . lesbianism in women . . ."
Blood humours help control the other fluids and keep them in balance. A person with a healthy
blood supply is described as sanguine and is characterized by ". . . having the warm,
passionate, cheerful temperament and the healthy ruddy complexion of one in whom the blood
is the predominant humour of the four" ("Sangui"). A dearth or weakness in the blood supply
allows the other humours to wreak havoc with the aqua systems while an excessive
strength or oversupply, paradoxically, leads to bloodthirstiness in men and lesbianism in
women (Autricia 123). The last, and most nebulous, of the four humours is phlegm.
" . . . officers . . . [drank] . . .concoctions made of bull and goat mucus . . . "
Phlegm , or catarrh, is the fluid that most baffled the ancients as to its effects on women. In
men it was known to create cool, calm, self possessed behavior and was prized as a substance
for those in stressful positions. Generals and other officers of the Greek and Roman armies
were known to drink concoctions made of bull and goat mucus (snorteum) on the eve of major
battles, to supplement their natural reserves of phlegm and to further build their self-confidence
and steady their nerves (Pliny 27). Men with high levels of phlegm are also known to make
good, patient fathers and husbands. In women, it was thought, elevated phlegm counts had no
effect on temperament other than to cause increased levels of black bile, with its corresponding
melancholia. Today, it is known that that is not the case at all.
". . .often found in university professors and drug addicts."
The effect of phlegm on most women is progressive and accumulative over the span of their
lives and is predictable and consistent. Its production is known to be accelerated in the body at
the time of marriage and shortly after giving birth. Its manifestations were previously attributed to
a mysterious, spiritual substance called hormones. Though noxious symptoms were rare in
men they occurred often enough to be observed and diagnosed, but in such mild forms that they
were not recognized as the logical extension of the extreme forms afflicting women. The male
physical traits of macro-phlegm include fridgity, dullness, apathy, and want of excitability, often
found in university professors and drug addicts. These symptoms are usually referred to
collectively as "petits fours" (literally: frosted sponge-cake) (Braun 198).
" . . . various phlemagogues were illegally administered to women . . ."
But, the symptomology of phlegmonic humours on women is dramatically different. It was
only when various phlemagogues were illegally administered to women in unauthorized
experiments at the University of Bangor, and symptomatic relief was measured and catalogued,
that modern medicine realized the detrimental effects of phlegm on the weaker sex (Pliny 234).
Physically, female victims take on the characteristics best described as lower-class scrub-
woman: drab hair, vacant eyes, a tendency toward smocks or mother hubbards for apparel, and
a penchant for military boots sans socks. Psychological effects, invariably, take the form of
distinctly feminine, depressive tirades about their stations in life and the ways they are
mistreated, unappreciated, disrespected, and cheated of life's (or men's and other women's)
pleasures. Examples in print of female phlegmasia include ravings about breast size (Efron 191-
197), desires to have one's own phlegmatic housewife (Syfers 338-339), and the shame felt for
not having a slang term for masturbation (Alsman, Kensey). One woman, with the severest
known form of phlegm accumulation, phlegmania, accused her husband of having an affair with
a computer. (Alsman, Deborah). The negative effects of this type of behavior is what has
inspired scientists across the millennia to make its explanation a priority. The findings of
ancestral scientists and the expansion of their basic principles as a result of the application of
modern scientific methods has now solved the mystery of sexual temperamental diversity. It has
also led, in effect, to a miracle cure for the complicated problem of "female specific
phlegmaticism" (a medical process usually referred to as "a cure for the common bitch").
"It is somewhat uncomfortable and painful for the patient . . ."
The treatment itself is a simple process of intubating a victim's nose and throat for a few
hours a week to drain the excess phlegmatic humours from her body and soul. It is somewhat
uncomfortable and painful for the patient, but the benefit to society is immeasurable as it,
invariably, returns these former cranks to the useful, socially desirable role of compliant
housewives. The resultant peace beginning to spread over the North American continent may
change the cultural landscape forever.
" . . . ancients have proven to be sharply accurate . . ."
The value of this excursion into our collective past is immeasurable. It is a rare event for
experts in any field to look to the history books for answers to today's problems. This is one
instance when the ancients have proven to be sharply accurate and demonstrated their
intelligence and excellent powers of observation and analysis. The great success of this one
medical venture into the past has inspired experts in many other fields and led to a renaissance
in historical research. Other areas of pertinent medical study include the erstwhile arts of wicca,
vaporology, bleeding, phrenology, and amputation without anesthetics. As one doctor has said,
"It's an exciting and wonderful time to be practicing medicine."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Alsman, Deborah S. Personal interview 19 Nov. 1995.
Alsman, Kensey L. "Air Sex" Diss. Purdue North Central, 1995.
Autricia, Genus, Sanguinity on the Saddle.
Dallas: Persimmon Books, 1856.
Braun, Evangeline Catastrophe, Cataclysm, and Catarrh -- Women
With Influence. Albany: Grape Press, 1932.
Efron, Nora "A Few Words About Breasts: Shaping Up Absurd." Primus.
McGraw-Hill, 1995. 191-197.
Pliny, Samuel J. You May Think It's Funny, But It's Snot.<BR>
Chicago: Random Lot, 1994.
"Sangui" Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary.
2nd ed. 1972.
Syfers, Judy "Why I Want A Wife." Primus
New York: McGraw-Hill, 1995. 338-339.
copyright© 1996, - Kensey Alsman