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The Tournament of Tournaments will be held on Wednesday, July 29, 1998 at a site that has not yet been disclosed. To be eligible for participation in this exclusive event you must meet at least one of the following requirement:
1. You must be an hourly employee or retiree of BOF Mechanical.
Mark your calendars!
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It is inevitable that the promotion will take place (the commensurate pay raise has already been awarded) but the KLAFFDEMET&RFKLA has decided to let you, the readers of Steel Mail, decide which title to bestow. This will be done using your mouse and a new technology never before used anywhere called "Unsupervised Simple Cyber Automatic Bitstream Never Before Used Anywhere New Mouse Using Technology Systems."
Below, you will find two links which will allow you to vote for your choice. Vote early, vote often, but vote now or forever hold your piece.
Your choices
1. - Kensey - The Most Famous Active Steel Worker in the World Today.
or simply
2. - Grand Vizier Sadass Hyuman
As a special bonus the first ten respondents in each category will be treated to a lovely dinner at a fancy-schmancy local restaurant by the Steel Mail News team and we sort of have been promised that
1. Kensey - The Most Famous Active Steel Worker in the World Today.
or simply
2. Grand Vizier Sadass Hyuman
will make a rare public appearance to thank you personally for your participation.
All results will be tabulated and reported to you some day.
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Look for their reports on the 13th or 14th Annual BOFMECHIAN Closed Golf' Tournament - Coming Someday.
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A. - MEASUREMENTS OF DISTANCE: The Hair.
1 - A Pubic Hair - smallest unit of measurement in a mechanical department.
2 - A Whisker - slightly, though indeterminately, larger than a pubic hair.
3 - A Nose Hair - too much (as in "I told you to move it a whisker, not a nose hair").
B. - MEASUREMENTS OF TEMPERATURE: The Sonofabitch.
"Sonofabitch" is used to measure extremes in temperatures. ex: "Man, it's hotter [colder] than a sonofabitch out there."
In severely inclement weather you will hear "It's hotter [colder] than fourteen sonsabitches out there."
"Sonofabitch" and "fourteen sonsabitches" are the only two units used. Though, on the surface it appears to be a confusing oddity, it is, in fact, an extremely clear communication.
Weather conditions falling between the extremes are referred to in more conventional language, such as "My, oh, my. Is this not a cheery and pleasant interlude?"
C. - MEASUREMENTS OF VOLUME: The Beer Can.
Ex:
Q: "How much oil do we need for that gear box?"
A: "It looks to be seven to nine beer cans low."
Larger volumes may be converted to six packs, cases, and, when dealing in galactic sized figures, golf tournament consumption.
D. - ECONOMIC MEASUREMENTS: The Can of Beer.
[A conversation heard recently in the lunch room]
Lee Lemon: I just obtained a $2,000 grievance settlement for you.
Ed Sliwa: Great! How many cans of beer is that?
Then followed a 45 minute conversation about the various exchange rates at liquor serving establishments, liquor stores, grocery stores and gas stations in Lake, Porter, and LaPorte counties.
E. - MEASUREMENTS OF SANITY: The $1,OOO,OOO Question.
As in: "For one million dollars would you - - [insert a disgusting action here]?"
Conversations about this subject usually revolve around odd sexual acts, poorly prepared food-stuffs, and/or dead animals and are repulsive, scatalogical, and thoroughly satisfying, if they go well.
Next Month's lesson - 7d: Talking Down to Your Superiors.
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Have a Safe and Happy Holiday Season
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Steel Mail News is a Mob Affiliated Production.
Our Motto: Honest, we're not making this up. Really.